The past week has been a hectic one at our firm: the combination of a stressful Christmas and financial problems has led to a flood of calls from couples seeking to end their marriages.
According to a survey by online advice centre InsideDivorce.com, almost two million couples in Britain are suffering marital difficulties and 1.3 million are considering splitting up. But although one in four people say their relationship is under strain because of money problems, 11 per cent of those polled say they are being forced to stay in a failing marriage because the economic downturn means they can’t afford to leave.
What does seem to be happening is a kind of half-way house divorce situation – with couples legally ending their marriages but continuing to live under the same roof because they are unable to sell the property and divide their assets.
With the property market continuing to nosedive, this scenario is likely to increase as the year goes on. So before making the decision to divorce, it is worth thinking about whether you and your spouse could stomach living in close proximity for a period of time – despite your relationship having disintegrated.
The bigger the house, the easier it is to set up separate domestic arrangements, but even in a roomy property it’s not possible to avoid coming into contact with each other. For couples who would find this intolerable, an alternative could be for one partner to move into a friend or relative’s spare room or to rent a property.
If your divorce has been relatively amicable – or least civilised, and if you get the right lawyer to handle it, then it can be – continuing to live together for the time being might not be too dreadful a prospect.
Here, then, are some tips for living together yet apart:
•
Draw up a list of “house rules” with your ex so that each of you knows
how the arrangement is going to work. Adhering to these is very
important as not doing so will cause added friction in an already
stressful situation
• You need to organise separate sleeping
arrangements, so one of you will have to move into the spare room. If
the kids are taking up all the other bedrooms, two of them will have to
share
• Whichever partner moves into another bedroom, make sure they take their clothes and personal items with them. Popping into the marital bedroom to rifle through the wardrobe is intrusive
• If you have more than one bathroom, decide who’s going to use which – and don’t encroach on the other’s privacy. If there’s only one bathroom, agree who is going to shower when
• If you have children still living with you, consider factoring in “family” time during the week – say, Sunday lunch – to give the kids a sense of normality
• Discuss with your ex the etiquette surrounding how to manage any romantic assignations. A good idea is to agree not to bring another party into the marital home, no matter how “grown up” you are trying to be about the situation
• Draw up a list of times that you each use the kitchen to cook a meal each evening. If money or time tight, consider one of you cooking for the other (even if you eat separately). Ditto with the washing machine.
• Develop more outside interests so that you’re not in the house together for long periods – even popping round to a friend’s house in the evening can ease the strain
• If there’s only one computer in the household, buy another one and set it up elsewhere in the house so you don’t encroach on the other’s online time
• Work out how the bills are going to be paid, and set up bank accounts/direct debits accordingly
• Decide who is going to do which domestic chores and make sure you stick to your side of the bargain
• Whichever partner moves into another bedroom, make sure they take their clothes and personal items with them. Popping into the marital bedroom to rifle through the wardrobe is intrusive
• If you have more than one bathroom, decide who’s going to use which – and don’t encroach on the other’s privacy. If there’s only one bathroom, agree who is going to shower when
• If you have children still living with you, consider factoring in “family” time during the week – say, Sunday lunch – to give the kids a sense of normality
• Discuss with your ex the etiquette surrounding how to manage any romantic assignations. A good idea is to agree not to bring another party into the marital home, no matter how “grown up” you are trying to be about the situation
• Draw up a list of times that you each use the kitchen to cook a meal each evening. If money or time tight, consider one of you cooking for the other (even if you eat separately). Ditto with the washing machine.
• Develop more outside interests so that you’re not in the house together for long periods – even popping round to a friend’s house in the evening can ease the strain
• If there’s only one computer in the household, buy another one and set it up elsewhere in the house so you don’t encroach on the other’s online time
• Work out how the bills are going to be paid, and set up bank accounts/direct debits accordingly
• Decide who is going to do which domestic chores and make sure you stick to your side of the bargain
Being forced to cohabit when a relationship has turned sour is far from easy, but with careful planning and an understanding it won’t go on forever, it is possible to survive living separately under the same roof.