By Neil Hobden

A new survey reveals that for a majority of divorcees – six in ten – the hardest thing to come to terms with is the sense of failure.

The study, carried out by dating website www.fifties.com, which is aimed at the over-50s, found that the emotional impact of divorce is so great a fifth of those questioned said they would never truly get over it.

This comes as no surprise to anyone who is some years down the line from their decree absolute. Whilst one might anticipate being “over it” and able to move on and start having a good time once the legal process is completed, for many people that isn’t the case.

The survey found that it takes an average of 17 months and 26 days to complete a divorce. That is the time it takes to resolve contentious issues such as division of property and other financial assets.

But, as the study shows, the emotional scars can take a lot longer to heal. So great is the impact that five per cent of the 4,000 respondents said they were still trying to come to terms with their divorce after several years, never mind 18 months.

I wrote a blog some months ago about this very subject, in which I said: “When I went through a divorce, nearly 20 years ago, I was pretty blasé about it. Give me three months, I remember saying to my brother, and I’ll be fine. I’ve never forgotten his response: ‘Yes, it will be three,’ he said, ‘but years, not months’.

“His words have stuck with me ever since because he was absolutely right; it did take about three years for me to recover fully from the divorce. And that very personal experience has helped me a great deal in my profession.”

Divorce can play havoc with all kinds of emotions – from loneliness and rejection to guilt and resentment – and that is why it takes so long to retrieve your self-esteem and equilibrium, however “relieved” you might feel when the legal process is completed.

But the new survey is right to when it shows that a sense of failure is one of the most difficult emotions with which many people wrestle. Again, it’s not surprising: you took solemn vows to stay together forever and those vows were broken.

What I say to clients who feel this way is that a marriage can never be deemed to have failed if it produced children. Quite the opposite – it was a huge success. Bringing children into the world together and co-parenting them lovingly and responsibly is life’s greatest feat.

Even if you and your spouse didn’t have children together, the relationship can still be considered a success for as long as it worked. Living with someone, sharing practical, financial and emotional highs and lows, helps you develop as a person. If the relationship stops working, for whatever reason, then closing the door is very often the most mature and beneficial option. In fact, staying in a marriage that is no longer happy and nurturing purely for the sake of convention or convenience would better be described as a failure.

· Neil Hobden is a partner with Benussi & Co