By Georgina Burrows
At Christmas, did you feel you had to go through the “isn’t it fantastic?” routine for the sake of the children, even if what you actually felt like doing was hiding under the duvet for a couple of weeks?
I have two daughters, a teenager and a five-year-old, neither of whom have regular contact with their fathers.
I don’t have “switch-over” arrangements to make at Christmas and the girls and I always have a really good time, but when I’m on my own late on Christmas Eve, wrapping the last of the presents and eating the mince pie left out for Santa, I do sometimes think how nice it would be if I had a partner to enjoy the moment with me. It is easy to forget, with the passage of time, how difficult Christmases were when I was in an unhappy relationship.
Being a single parent isn’t easy – and it can be especially hard at Christmas. Starting another New Year with unknown challenges ahead can also be tough.
As someone who has been a single parent for several years, I know sometimes even the good times you have with your children can be difficult if you don’t have a partner to share them with: only the other parent will appreciate quite what an achievement it is for your child to pass a particular exam, perform well in a school concert or will laugh at the funny thing your child said earlier in the day which was just so cute!
Holidays in general can be hard. It took me a couple of years after separation to summon up the courage to take the children on a plane on my own, so for a long time I holidayed with friends or relatives. These were fantastic experiences but you have to compromise when you are sharing a holiday with other people. I’ve now crossed that hurdle and successfully flown with my children on my own and have enjoyed a number of holidays abroad and in the UK with just the three of us. I realised a couple of years ago now that that I actually prefer the holidays we spend as a small family unit!
Because I have experienced life as a single parent, I can empathise with clients who are fearful about what life will be like when they have no partner to support them with the children on a daily basis.
I don’t paint a rose-coloured picture for them, because I know the reality. I know what it’s like to have to rebuild your life; I know how it feels to have to be in three different places at once and I know what it’s like to feel the weight of financial, emotional and physical responsibility for young children.
It is in only the most exceptional cases (for example, where there is a risk of harm to a child) that I will not encourage a newly separated parent to cooperate with their former spouse or partner to make arrangements which work for them and the children, because I know from personal experience how hard it can be for all concerned if arrangements do not work out or fall apart for whatever reason.
Because I’ve been there and done that, I understand and have experienced the practical realities.
When I became a single parent for the second time, five years ago, I had no choice but to return to work. I’ve proved to myself and others that it is possible to combine a domestic and professional life without being “superwoman”. Returning to work, even for a few hours a week to fit round the children, can be so good for your self-esteem (and your finances!)
What I think is perhaps most helpful to those new to the experience is to understand that despite the relief of being out of a bad relationship, it is entirely normal to feel unhappy, lonely, frightened and stressed out at times. It is not unusual for those feelings to continue, off and on, for a considerable length of time. There is no instant rainbow once divorce proceedings have been concluded – you could be talking two years or more before you begin to feel the benefits of starting a new life.
Jumping into a new relationship usually isn’t the answer to speeding up the natural process. I’ve seen many people (including myself!) throw themselves into a new relationship, believing they are over the last one. These early relationships frequently fail and I would always recommend a period of at least a year on your own once the divorce proceedings have concluded before considering a permanent relationship.
So what I try to convey to clients is that being beset with negative feelings, particularly at crunch times such as Christmas, holidays and birthdays, is normal, just as it is normal to find divorce/separation and single parenthood difficult. What is important is that you make use of everything that life puts in your path – even those experiences and feelings which feel bad now can be turned around in the fullness of time so that you grow and learn from them.
Because I’ve done it, I can say that you will come out the other side as I have – and you may even come out smiling - feeling as though you have weathered the storm and found your personal rainbow.
- Georgina Burrows is a solicitor with Benussi & Co specialising in cases involving children